Brand New Year...Brand New Me!!!

Welcome 2010! As I reflect on 2009, I realize the past year was been filled with much contention, heartache, and change. At the same time it was filled with joy, hope and promise! I am glad for all the things that I have endured this past year because it has made me who I am today! Even though the first 3/4 of the year I merely functioned out of survival; I still find that 2009 was a year filled with events that brought me great strength and a new perspective. After 36 years, I can honestly say that I know what I want out of my life, what I want to do, and can see the path I need to take to get there! I can visualize a beautiful future full of hope, promise and hapiness for the first time in years! What a wonderful gift adversity is in our lives...without it, we would not grow and meet our potential! We also would not enjoy the good times and appreciate them! I am grateful for the adversity I have endured and have thrived from, and look forward to a wonderful new year full of wonderful experiences that I am sure to enjoy! I pray I can have peace in my life as I walk this path without a partner and that I can accomplish much good for myself, my family and others as well! Happy New Year to all! May it be a wonderful year for all!

Christmas Joy

This year Christmas started out very dreary and there was a kind of sadness in my heart at the start of the Christmas season. It didn't seem to matter what I did, I just couldn't feel the joy and excitement that should be present at this glorious time of year! One sunday as I looked around at the people at church a realization came to me. I realized that there were so many people that have struggles and also need a little Christmas cheering up! It was then that I decided to do the 12 days of Christmas to several members of our ward that I felt could use a little extra joy in their lives this year. So my kids and I found a fun version of the 12 Days of Christmas and mixed it up a little just for the sake of cuteness! We spent hours preparing the little gifts that we would drop every night on these 3 doorsteps and then we would run like the wind, hoping we didn't get spotted. This went on for 12 nights...each night the same thing...drop and run....and each night a little more laughter and joy entered our home and hearts as we knew these 3 families had began to look forward to our little gifts! What a great experience this was for our family as we focused on the joy we were bringing to others. In the process of serving in this small way, we found the joy in Christmas.....joy, love and laughter entered our home and Christmas found its way to our hearts! I will always be greatful for this experience and lessons it taught me. Even though I was not in an ideal situation myself this year, I could still give and feel the joy that comes from service. Now I sit here almost midnight writing my thoughts about this Christmas, which comes in minutes, and am grateful the Lord inspired my thoughts that Sunday. That is what got me through this year and gave me and my children memories we will always cherish and hopefully new traditions we will carry on for years to come! Merry Christmas everyone....my hope for you is that you too will feel the joy in your hearts this Christmas!

Changes.....

Thus far, I have had many days filled with emotions too powerful to put into words; so I won't even try to. Eric moved out nearly a month ago today....what progress we have made in that time. Many things have changed. My house is more crazy, but it is nice to feel alive again and to see my kids start to become kids again after so many years of not being permitted to be normal kids with normal kid behaviors. I watch them wrestle and laugh and play, and yes, even argue from time to time. I love listening to them laugh and joke around and be jovial. These are all things that have not been permitted, but only on rare occasion, in the past 5 years. Sometimes I think I am going to go crazy with the noise of an active household, but I know the kids are just letting lose from years of suppression. I allow them to be kids and feel it is healthy behaviors but I do give them parameters. Also as time goes on, the less contention we are feeling in our home. We pray multiple times a day to bring a positive and comforting spirit into our home. This is something we could have done before and even tried to do before, but the contention was just too much. I love watching my kids soak up the spiritual stuff as we add more and more to our daily routine. They are all so wonderful and strong. I have been so blessed with wonderful children who are so spiritually strong. They are truly an example to me every day.

The Decision

This past week was full of difficult decisions that have lead up to the creation and the name of this blog. After five tumultuous and stressful years of marriage, I have made and acted upon a decision to divorce Eric. One would think that I should feel very sad and upset about this decision; actually; I feel rather energized and relieved with the idea of not dealing with all the contention and abuse. It is kind of like a snake shedding its skin. Prior to shedding its skin, the skin is dry, dull and not so pretty. Once it sheds its skin, the skin is once again shiny and vibrant. I am feeling the vibrancy that I have struggled to keep alive for 5 years, sparking back into my spirit and can see it in my countenance.
Don't get me wrong; this was not an easy decision for me, nor is it one that I made with ease. I am saddened by the failure of yet another relationship. I am saddened by the realization that there are no fairy tale endings for me. I am sad for Eric who is feeling great loss now. I worry about him jumping into a new relationship and failing yet again. I pray he will take the time to get to know himself and accept himself before he marries again. I struggle as I think of the trials of being a single mom again but, this time, I know I am ready for them. I am saddened by the loss my younger kids feel. Eric is the only Dad they know. He has raised them since they began to form memories. They will certainly feel the loss greater than everyone else. I pray Eric will continue to nurture the relationship with them. They love each other so much and he is a good "Daddy Eric" to them.

I am so excited though and have great direction in my life for the first time....ever! I know what I need to do and how to get there from where I am at. I know life will bring its own challenges on the way, but I also KNOW I am strong. I have complete trust and faith that the Lord knows what I need and will direct my life along the way. He will nurture my spirit and heal my wounds. He will take my hand and place me on the path I need to be on, and be my companion that will never leave me or abuse me. All I have to do is listen and act when directed....that's all for today....next time, hopefully something less serious in nature! This blog is sure to contain some lighthearted and funny events as I travel my path!